Scottish Nonsense

A bit behind the times on this but job hunting has taken priority!

Can someone explain to me what the MSP's are thinking? There are motions being put forward to try and reduce the alcohol problems that seem to be prevalent north of the border. This has to be applauded as an honourable plan and, before I have my rant, let me say that I have no idea what the answer is to the problem.

However, I am utterly bemused by the solutions that are being proposed. It seems that a large number of options are being put forward but, on the TV yesterday, one MSP stated the following (my apologies for the paraphrasing) - Whilst the proposal for minimum pricing per unit of alcohol is unlikely to be approved, we are hopeful that a ban on multibuy promotions will be passed and see this as a very positive step.

Now, I might be being naive here but, if they are going to ban promotions such as 'Buy one, get one free' but not enforce minimum pricing, surely the retailers just have to offer half price alcohol? Isn't that the same thing????

No wonder I could never get in to politics!

Job Hunting

Well, another day dawned, I got ready for work with the usual thoughts of what the day may bring. I had to stop off at the local postal depot to pick up a recorded delivery on my way to the office and the sky was blue. How quickly your outlook on life can change!
Having picked up my recorded post, as it was a letter, I decided to open it before I continued my journey. At this point, my day took a major turn for the worse.
My letter was the notice of intent to make redundancies. Whilst this might seem a bit broad brush to worry at this stage, the letter was written in such a way as to make it totally plain that I was the only member of staff to be facing this.
Gloom descended for the rest of the 90 minute journey but I filled in the time by contacting some old contacts.
Having got to the office in an understandably bleak mood, I decided to pre-empt the situation and look what is out there in my field. Not a lot is the answer but, after re-creating my CV and uploading to a job search website and applying for three jobs that seemed to fit the bill, I had two call backs from the agencies handling the jobs within 30 minutes! One has even stated that it is likely I would be interviewed tomorrow or in two days time if the client liked the CV!
Now, I know that it is much too soon to be thinking positive but it certainly lifted my day!

3am Eternal

I have to ask, why is 3am such a popular time for waking people up? When there has been a perfectly adequate 15 hours since rising the previous morning, why is there a need to either 'talk', demand answers or just generally discuss what is wrong with your life??

Currently, I work at home two days a week and in an office three days. The office drive is between 90 minutes and 2 hours each way (on occasion longer such as yesterday took 2 and three quarters). On days that I work at home, I could in theory stay in bed until 8.45am and still be at work before 9. Which mornings do the 3am chats take place? Without fail, on days that I have the long drive!

Weekends seem to be exempt from these events despite the opportunity to sleep longer. Is this a conspiracy? I don't know but, what I do know is, after only 1 week back at work following a 2 week break, I am shattered. All I want to do is go out to the car park and tip the seat back and sleep. Do you think anyone would notice? If I wore sunglasses would they not recognise me? Sadly, I think not.

So, for now, I shall keep knocking back the black coffee and taking brisk walks down the corridor to wake me up. I must be teh biggest bloody doremouse in the world.

The Truth Mirror

Have you ever noticed that, no matter what size you get there are a umber of 'versions' of you?
1. This is the view you get as you look down at yourself - Sure, you've gained a few pounds but, if you suck everything in, it doesn't look too bad considering.
2. This is when you look in the mirror - not and special mirror, just your usual home type mirror. In this, you realise that perhaps you are not quite the 'racing snake' physique of old but still, with a little suck here and there, it's still not too bad.
3. The final horror - The photo!!!! Suddenly, it all becomes crystal clear. In my case, I look generally like John Goodman and, in recent times, with sideburns for a play, I look like a cross between a fat Wolverine and a fat Ray Dorsett (look him up).

Twitter Guide to Amateur Dramatic Groups Part 3 - 'I could've been a professional'

Now, this one might come across as very negative but, I would like to say from the start, whilst this 'type' really gets on my t*ts, they are usually a stalwart of a group and can end up appearing in other groups when needed.

I have only met this character on two occassions but I feel sure they would be recognised far and wide. The warning signs can be spotted very early on:

1. At the read through, they are usually over effusive in greeting new faces (whether or not they are the 'new' faces!) and, if they have members of their own family in the group as well, you be given the grand tour of introductions.
2. During the read-through, they will have already researched the part and start with full characterisation (including accents whether necessary or not) in the full assumption that they will be getting a specific part.
3. After the first few rehearsals when basic moves have been plotted, they will argue at every opportunity with the cast and even the director about where they should be. This can be very difficult for the director if they want to change anything.
4. Should you ever have the temerity to mask them (block the audience's view) from even the smallest angle, you will receive a glare (for the first offense) right up to a shove (for repeated offenses).
5. Should you ever have the temerity to suggest that they may be masking you....see above.
6. Should you ever have the temerity to give an incorrect cue line....see number 4.
7. Should you ever have the temerity to suggest that they may have given you an incorrect cue line, after a 5 minute diatribe upon the subject @don't you realise how many lines I have to learn and, besides, I am rehearsing for two plays at the moment so I am bound to get some wrong'.....see number 4.
8. The final sacrilage to any of this type is when, for reasons of practicality, a scene has to be moved from its original position on the stage. This can prompt the outburst that 'but I've leant it here, if we move over there I will be completely thrown'.
9. And, for those of you who thought this remark only came from semi-professional actors/actresses that are up themselves, I have actually heard one of these say the immortal line 'What's my motivation'!!! What makes it even better is it was to do with bringing another character a cup of tea!!

Oh what fun we have sometimes :)

Memories - The Solution (see previous post)

Having discussed my previous post with an old friend who understands psychology (he is actually qualified in this field - and yes, I do know people who are that clever. Oh, and yes, they do acknowledge that I exist!).

It turns out that the most likely explanation is that the particular piece of music is actually connected with several different memories rather than a single person, event, time or feeling. Because of this and the fact that all these memories have been filed as having equal importance, the brain handles it by telling me that there are definitely memories but, at this particular time, it is not willing to favour one over another.

Personally, I just wish my brain would bite the bullet and actually make a decision for a change. Hmmm.....procrastination, not making decisions.....where have I heard that before?

Memories - Real, Imagined and Forgotten

Strange thing this morning - heard a record on the radio that stirred memories. Trouble is, I can't figure out what those memories are. There is something in the back of my mind that is sticking up a hand and waving but, as soon as I turn towards it, the hand disappears.

I have had records trigger memories before - Michael Jackson's Beat It brings back an old school friend pretending to beat aggs in a bowl(!?), Soft Cell's Tainted Love is Parties at the Royal (a local pub to my childhood home), Peter Gabriel's Games Without Frontiers is a former girlfriend (long story). But this time I am stumped. The track in question was The Rolling Stones' Under Cover. It is still going round in my head and an image, as if seen out of the corner of my eye, keeps trying to come through but my mind is having a Douglas Adams moment and, every time I get close to seeing it, my mind sticks up a diversion notice and I end up in some dead end, dark recess of my memories where I really don't want to be! Who knows what lurks there? That way (as they used to put on maps) There be dragons!

How do I get by this trickery and catch up with the lurking memory? Should I try? Does it want to be found? If it doesn't want to be found, why is it teasing me?

???

Stupid Adverts

I have long had an aversion to adverts for Vanish. Not that I have anything against the product - it seems to work just fine - but the adverts make me want to throw things at the TV. Why has no-one called the police when this strange woman appears in their gardens and homes without any form of invitation? If it happened to me, once I had calmed down from the shock, I would have her pinned to the floor with her arms behind her back (not pleasant for her given my weight).

Well, now I have another ad that makes me seethe - SlideRobes! The ad starts with a woman looking wistfully at a skanky pair of old shoes that really should have been thrown out years ago. The camera pans upward to show a wall with one or two loose storage arrangements. The wall is (approximately) three feet from the edge of the window. The next time we see the same room, the lady has had her SlideRobes fitted and she is all dreamy and serene as she gently pushes the door shut - all very nice...EXCEPT...the front edge of the sliding door is still only three feet from the edge of the window!! This means that, far from the simple solution of having the wardrobe fitted against the existing wall, they would have had to knock the wall out completely - I can't believe that this would be an 'inexpensive' solution!

Twitter Guide to Amateur Dramatic Groups Part 2 - The Well Meaning Friend

Am Dram types part 2.

The Well Meaning Friend / Sibling. An interesting type, this character can hold a reasonably intelligent conversation that would keep people amused and interested right up to the point at which someone hands them a script. At this point, it seems like someone throws a switch in their brain. The turn monosyllabic and each word is spoken like an entire sentence. For example, it would sound (if I can get this across) something like: Shall. I. Compare. Thee. To. A. Summer's. Day.

The closest I could come to a comparison would be William Shatner on mogadon! The other 'foible' is that any intonation of the lines is completely lost. You could sit with them repeating the way you want a line said and they would come back with 7 versions that emphasise every other word than the one .you really want to emphasise!

The trouble is, they are always the first to learn their lines, always arrive on time and are, in the words of Tim Nice But Dim 'Bloody nice blokes' (or girls).

Twitter Guide to Amateur Dramatic Groups Part 1 - The Matriarch

Right, it has been far too long since my last tweet. I looks like my Twitter novel is pretty much dead in the water so my latest idea is...As stated in my notes, I am a frustrated actor. At 43, I think the possibility of being 'discovered' has probably passed me by but that doesn't stop me doing amateur dramatics. I know, I hear you all recoiling in horror at the local theatre group murdering Shakespeare.

But, this got me thinking the other night at rehearsals whilst mumbling with a friend who had popped along. Are the types of people who join these groups always the same? To this end, my next twitter project is to list and describe the various types in our group. If anyone recognises the types in their own groups, I would welcome any comments or observations. So here goes.

The Matriarch. Could also be a Patriarch but in this case, the former. This is the woman who has been with the group from the beginning. She tended at the beginning to act but preferred to direct (sense of control). In later years though has complained that there is too much work left for her to sort out and wants to take a break. This usually means that she will attend every meeting and rehearsal and 'reluctantly' takes on the role of producer. What does that role entail? All the jobs that she complained were being left for her to do before! It also gives her a degree of power again without having to direct. Recognise this person? Then don't tell them :).

More to follow!

To Whom It May Concern - The beginning

Forward: This is a brief outline of what I am attempting on Twitter and I will add each tweet as a separate paragraph to give the feel of how it is appearing there...

For those that are interested I am about to start the Twitter Novel entitled: To Whom It May Concern - bet you are on the edge of your seats.

The rules are simple - each tweet must make sense on its own and no abbreviations are allowed (why am I making it more difficult?)

To whom it may concern, I write in response to a recent article in your publication about certain alleged activities that I was involved in.

In order to fully express my displeasure in the, frankly fictitious, article, I will deal with each point individually.

I was not wearing 'a ruff that would not have looked out of place on Blackadder'

I had merely neglected to remove my paper napkin after eating a rather tasty beef burger. I didn't want relish spilled on my shirt!

To Whom It May Concern

OK, having dropped the hash tag, now I have to decide on a working title for my twitter book. Something pithy, short and to the point....
How about: The Constant Tweeter. Tweet of a Ridiculous Man. To Whom it May Concern. The Fat Man Tweeteth.
I think for now, I shall go with 'To Whom It May Concern'

I haven't decided yet whether to publish in the tweet sized chunks or as a collection on this blog. I think it will make more sense if I create a form of chapters to publish here. Watch this space :)

TwitterMaths - Is This The End?

Theory No. 5 This theory refers to the followers and how they relate to friends, family and other acquaintences. If your followers are complete strangers, does this make your tweats more or less important than if they are friends etc.?
Whilst this theory is not exactly #TwitterMaths It is something that I have been thinking about. For example, in these ramblings of mine, those people that no me send messages along the lines of 'you are mad, but then we always knew that' whereas, strangers might well see them as amusing (I hope) but something to stir the imagination. Whichever is the case, I think that now is the time to leave #TwitterMaths for a while and move on to other topics. I will return to it should any further thoughts occur to me. Now the problem arises - what shall I postulate on next? Maybe I should try to write a story that makes sense in 140 character chunks? Would it be possible? Would I be able to keep it going? How many 140 chrs make a chapter? What would I call it? Can you build character back stories in such small chunks? These questions and more will be tackled soon!

New Branch of Mathematics - Theory 4 Part 3

It has occurred to me that Theory no.4 opens up an ugly possibility - I could be one of those tweaters who is recycling old tweats and passing them off as my own. The fact that I am not aware that I am doing this (if I am) thus means that a) I am not doing it and this is all my own deranged imagination or b) Twitter has taken on a life of its own and is controlling our thoughts. As conspiracy theories go, it's a bit different you must agree......unless of course that is Twitter controlling my thoughts to make me paranoid - methinks this is a road I should not go down :) Of course, there is another possibility and c) I am just a 40+ plagiarist who never had an original thought in his life. Always a distinct possibility but I hope one that I can prove wrong. If I can't prove it wrong and I am a plagiarist, I certainly hope that whomsoever I am copying from has plenty more to come as I am quite enjoying this! Until my next stream of consciousness...

I hope those fortunate (or otherwise) to read my ramblings enjoy a fun and love filled weekend :)

New Branch of Mathematics - Theory 4 Part 2

In this blog, I have started editing out the hash tags and breaks to make reading them a little less laborious!

Sadly, my brain was hyperactive again last night and theory no.4 got somewhat expanded.
Let's begin with 'where do all the tweats go?'. I have expanded this question from just unread tweats as I now think that it is impossible for a tweat to be unread. Firstly, the tweater is reading it as he/she types. 2nd I can't believe anyone would continue tweating without even one follower and, as theorised in theory no.1, this is virtually impossible.
So, where do these tweats go? My first hypothesis is that old tweats do not disappear but are, in fact, recycled.
Whether the recycling occurs in this twittersphere or a parallel one, as yet I don't know. The hypothesis suggests that as Twitter expands, there are more potential tweaters than tweatable subjects. Therefore, there are many tweaters that have nothing to say. These tweaters trawl the twittersphere until the happen upon a subject that appears to have been either neglected or forgotten. They pick it up, dust it off and suddenly they have their own Twitter page.

New Branch of Mathematics - Theory 4

1. #TwitterMaths Theory No.4 could, I fear, actually cause this whole hypothesis to implode. This is where #TwitterMaths goes from mere theory

2. #TwitterMaths ..to quantum theory. Obviously Quantum #TwitterMaths could, in itself, bring me my longed for doctorate. However, to the...

3. #TwitterMaths ..matter in hand. Theory No.4 concerns where all the unread tweats go. I hope to explore how many dimensions there are in the

4. #TwitterMaths Twittersphere. I will not spoil the plot by divulging my findings but would appreciate some external theorising though this...

5. #TwitterMaths ...may be impossible due to Theory 3!

New Branch of Mathematics - Theory 3

1. #TwitterMaths Theory No.3 The disappointment felt on losing a follower is inversely proportionate to the number followers.

2. #TwitterMaths That is to say, losing a follower when you have 50,000 is painless while losing a follower when you have 5 is terrible.

3. #TwitterMaths Theory No.3 can also be applied to trending. The ability to trend a subject is also proportionate to number of followers.

4. #TwitterMaths That is to say - to more followers you have, the easier it is to trend and vice versa.

5. #TwitterMaths This theory has a number of variables: 1. the number of followers. 2. the amount of time the tweeter has and 3...

6. #TwitterMaths...and 3. the number of tweets both 1 & 2 allow. Therefore, if x=the likelihood of trending, n=number of followers and...

7. #TwitterMaths...and t=minutes to tweet and w=number of tweets per min, we can say that x=n*tw - my first #TwitterMaths equation!

New Branch of Mathematics - Theory 2

1. #TwitterMaths Theory 2 is based on the Fame Constant That is to say, if you are not famous ur next set of followers will be friends & family

2. #TwitterMaths Obviously there is a part of theory 2 that I can't directly explore due to my lack of fame. I need independant verification...

3. #TwitterMaths ...from someone with fame that their followers did not start purely with friend & family or it may upset my hypothesis!

New Branch of Mathematics - Theory 1

This is the first of my theories. Each numbered section was an individual tweat on Twitter...

1. I think there should be a new branch of mathematics- Twitter Maths. It deals with the proportionality of followers relative to other factors.

2. I will work on the theory over the next week or so until I figure it out. Could this be the 1st Twitter thesis- a nobel prize perhaps?

3. #TwitterMaths Theory no.1 The first followers any male will get are women who seem to have other accounts on 'pay sites'

4. #TwitterMaths These followers will last about 2 weeks until they realise you aren't going to pay 'to get laid - guaranteed'.

5. #TwitterMaths The other constant in theory 1 is that these temporary followers will invariably have pictures that look stunning

6. #TwitterMaths This part of Theory 1 leads to the first conclusion. In cyberspace, if a picture looks to good to be true then it probably is

7. #TwitterMaths I think that sorts theory no.1. Other conclusions maybe drawn from later theories that may require amendments to this. :)

What this is and why

I have started this blog because, through complete idiocy, I began a string of tweats on Twitter to try and get one of my tags 'trending'. To those of you not aware of Twitter, trending means that a subject in your tweats (prefixed by a #) becomes so tweated about, it becomes a trend on Twitter. I had several problems with this - the first was that, with such a small number of characters, my tweats tended to be three or four long to encapsulate my latest ramblings. Secondly, with only 7 followers of which 2 were corporate, I was never really going to get much response. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, I also had a job to do which meant I could not spend all day posting!
Undeterred by this and hoping that there were other idiots out in cyberspace that might pick up on my lunacy, I went ahead.
And now, I intend to string these Tweats together on this blog and, perhaps, create new streams of consciousness for you to read.
Initially it will be a little chaotic as I try and piece the small segments together. They may read strangely but that will be me not editing them properly.
Please feel free to comment if you have the inclination!