Again, nothing much to report. This is more a festive greeting to all who have read this blog of late. Having had nearly 500 views over the last month or so, it is gratifying to know that, along with a couple of my close friends, there are those out there who would take the time to read my ramblings.
To each and every one of you that have perused my thoughts, I wish you all a merry Christmas or happy holiday depending on your beliefs.
This is the last working day for me until 2012 so, as is usual at offices across the world, very little will be done today. I have completed the shopping and our fridge and the freezer are stuffed full of food. Not quite sure why as there are only the two of us with no-one booked in for a visit so I will end up looking like santa by the time I come back to work - or Russell Grant for those hooked on Strictly Come Dancing in the UK :)
I will try and update during the break but, if I don't have a chance, please don't stop looking for news. Come the New Year, I will probably be ranting quite frequently as the exorcism of 'Melony' approaches. In the mean time, keep your loved ones close, enjoy your family time together and don't over indulge (too much) and of course....
Keep Loving :)
Friday 23 December 2011
Monday 19 December 2011
Life's Little Dramas Part 6
Nothing major to report but I felt the need to put finger to keypad.
This is because, we seem to have entered a strange holding period. I suppose it could be described as the 'calm before the storm'. Now that the dates for 'Melony's' removal have been confirmed and all the preliminary stuff is firmly scribed into the diary, life has taken on a faint whiff of normality. The pain is still there and the storm trooper protection for her back is still in place but, other than that, we seem to be approaching Christmas reasonable normally!
On Saturday, we went to see the in-laws. Full details of the situation were broken to them for the first time so that was a little tense. However, they reacted as they normally do; mother-in-law misunderstood everything and father-in-law just ignored it. Exactly as we expected so that was fine. After this, my wife decided she was up for some shopping so we did our first major Christmas shop. Didn't get as far through the list as we wanted but pain and discomfort dictated that we should abandon those plans but it is a start. I then did the ironing whilst she rested so that I could clear the lounge for the main event on Sunday...
Sunday dawned and, contrary to how we were feeling about it a week ago, I put up and decorated the tree and hung the Christmas cards up. The festive period has finally arrived in our house :). Over the next couple of days I shall be putting lights up in the other rooms then we will have the ceremonial decorating of the dining table with Christmas candles, runners etc. so that we can dine in yuletide surroundings.
And so, I felt that I had to write something. I know that we are much better off than many people in this world but I also know that, however little difference it makes in the grand scheme of things, when life is not going so well, doing something as simple as putting up decorations can really make a personal difference. To paraphrase a Rowan Atkinson sketch "Life is sometimes finger-licking good, and sometimes arse-wipingly bad" but it is, to some small degree, also what you make it.
Keep Loving
This is because, we seem to have entered a strange holding period. I suppose it could be described as the 'calm before the storm'. Now that the dates for 'Melony's' removal have been confirmed and all the preliminary stuff is firmly scribed into the diary, life has taken on a faint whiff of normality. The pain is still there and the storm trooper protection for her back is still in place but, other than that, we seem to be approaching Christmas reasonable normally!
On Saturday, we went to see the in-laws. Full details of the situation were broken to them for the first time so that was a little tense. However, they reacted as they normally do; mother-in-law misunderstood everything and father-in-law just ignored it. Exactly as we expected so that was fine. After this, my wife decided she was up for some shopping so we did our first major Christmas shop. Didn't get as far through the list as we wanted but pain and discomfort dictated that we should abandon those plans but it is a start. I then did the ironing whilst she rested so that I could clear the lounge for the main event on Sunday...
Sunday dawned and, contrary to how we were feeling about it a week ago, I put up and decorated the tree and hung the Christmas cards up. The festive period has finally arrived in our house :). Over the next couple of days I shall be putting lights up in the other rooms then we will have the ceremonial decorating of the dining table with Christmas candles, runners etc. so that we can dine in yuletide surroundings.
And so, I felt that I had to write something. I know that we are much better off than many people in this world but I also know that, however little difference it makes in the grand scheme of things, when life is not going so well, doing something as simple as putting up decorations can really make a personal difference. To paraphrase a Rowan Atkinson sketch "Life is sometimes finger-licking good, and sometimes arse-wipingly bad" but it is, to some small degree, also what you make it.
Keep Loving
Wednesday 14 December 2011
Life's Little Dramas Part 5
Well, the NHS misinformation machine gets it right/wrong again. Despite being told that there would be no movement before the back appointment this Friday, Details arrived this morning for "Melony's" exorcism! It seems a 'pre-op' appointment that will last for about 90 minutes will take place on Tuesday 10th January followed by the 'main event' on the 16th.
I suppose I should feel relieved that some form of timescale has been agreed but, strangely, I feel more nervous and worried than I did before. I don't quite understand the reasons behind this but I can only assume that:
To my eternal shame, I am feeling aggrieved that I will be unable to attend my works Christmas do this Friday. The most selfish thing I know but I was so looking forward to my first event with the whole company since joining. Still, assuming nothing disastrous happens here, there will always be next year. Trouble is, I have had to back out of a couple of events already this year due to 'other issues' which you can get a hint of in previous posts and I am getting something of a reputation for not being present at corporate bashes where I should be. For now though, I will just have to grin and bear it for there is someone at home who needs me more. I just wish she would do less of the things that make life at home that much harder on top of what is going on! Cryptic? Maybe. But some things need to be held back or I will rant myself into more of a mess than I feel already.
Assuming nothing major happens in the interim (unlikely I know), I wish anyone reading this a very happy festive period and prosperous & healthy New Year. Whilst you are with your family for whatever time off you have please remember to show them how much you love them. You never know when it could be too late to let them know.
Keep loving.
I suppose I should feel relieved that some form of timescale has been agreed but, strangely, I feel more nervous and worried than I did before. I don't quite understand the reasons behind this but I can only assume that:
- It has now become more real (if that is possible)
- It seems a long time to wait (even though we were geared up for January)
- In contradiction to point 2, it now seems very close
- I am just a useless lump of jelly that can't cope with the whole thing.
To my eternal shame, I am feeling aggrieved that I will be unable to attend my works Christmas do this Friday. The most selfish thing I know but I was so looking forward to my first event with the whole company since joining. Still, assuming nothing disastrous happens here, there will always be next year. Trouble is, I have had to back out of a couple of events already this year due to 'other issues' which you can get a hint of in previous posts and I am getting something of a reputation for not being present at corporate bashes where I should be. For now though, I will just have to grin and bear it for there is someone at home who needs me more. I just wish she would do less of the things that make life at home that much harder on top of what is going on! Cryptic? Maybe. But some things need to be held back or I will rant myself into more of a mess than I feel already.
Assuming nothing major happens in the interim (unlikely I know), I wish anyone reading this a very happy festive period and prosperous & healthy New Year. Whilst you are with your family for whatever time off you have please remember to show them how much you love them. You never know when it could be too late to let them know.
Keep loving.
Monday 12 December 2011
Life's Little Dramas Part 4
So we entered the weekend with the news that 'the lump' was now the size of a melon and thus I have christened it 'Melony'. Friday night was muted but reasonably up beat. Saturday, however, was a different subject. The fog descended and her glass was most definitely half empty.
I have to admit that I had to bite my tongue on a couple of occasions as I thought to myself 'how dare you get down about this? I am trying to be strong for you and here you are feeling sorry for yourself!' Now, don't get me wrong, I know that this is the most selfish and thoughtless thing to think but I am learning very quickly that tumours are no respecters of standard belief systems! At least I did bite my tongue and simply sighed heavily on a couple of occasions.
For anyone in a similar situation, all I can say is that, whenever you can, take a breath and think before you speak. However horrid, depressed or angry the other person is being, it is not towards you. They have something growing inside them. Something unnatural. Something that could have come out of a James Herbert novel. It is malignant. It has no feelings. It is a potential death bringer. Give them a break. All this is inside their body - is it any wonder that they get a bit emotional??
As a fightback, on Sunday she decided to make a huge batch of sausage rolls that I brought to work today. She is a very popular lady here! :)
Anyway, it seems that Melony will be with us until the New Year as the surgeon is concerned about the effect on the back problem so will not operate until given the OK by the back 'specialists'. These specialists will be seen on Friday so nothing can be done until January. I wonder if I should send it a card? Wishing you a Happy Christmas and a complete excision in the New Year? Maybe not.
Until next time.
Keep Loving
I have to admit that I had to bite my tongue on a couple of occasions as I thought to myself 'how dare you get down about this? I am trying to be strong for you and here you are feeling sorry for yourself!' Now, don't get me wrong, I know that this is the most selfish and thoughtless thing to think but I am learning very quickly that tumours are no respecters of standard belief systems! At least I did bite my tongue and simply sighed heavily on a couple of occasions.
For anyone in a similar situation, all I can say is that, whenever you can, take a breath and think before you speak. However horrid, depressed or angry the other person is being, it is not towards you. They have something growing inside them. Something unnatural. Something that could have come out of a James Herbert novel. It is malignant. It has no feelings. It is a potential death bringer. Give them a break. All this is inside their body - is it any wonder that they get a bit emotional??
As a fightback, on Sunday she decided to make a huge batch of sausage rolls that I brought to work today. She is a very popular lady here! :)
Anyway, it seems that Melony will be with us until the New Year as the surgeon is concerned about the effect on the back problem so will not operate until given the OK by the back 'specialists'. These specialists will be seen on Friday so nothing can be done until January. I wonder if I should send it a card? Wishing you a Happy Christmas and a complete excision in the New Year? Maybe not.
Until next time.
Keep Loving
Friday 9 December 2011
Life's Little Dramas Part 3
Today was the consultation with the Doc who will perform the 'exorcism'. I am beginning to understand comedians and comediennes who make light of their darker times in their material. This little gem from my wife relayed to me a short time ago:
Surgeon - Let me just feel the lump
Wife - The discharge papers say it's about 10cm across and looking on the web that appears to be the upper size of these things.
Surgeon - 10cm? My dear this is more the size of a melon!
Wife - I hope you mean a Honeydew and not a watermelon!
Now, if that had been said in a sit-com, I would have smiled but thought how unrealistic it was. Now I know differently.
The upshot of today is that there is a definite need to remove the offending article (no shit Sherlock) but the 'back specialists' need to confirm that it will be safe to operate before the spine is sorted. This requires an attendance at a further appointment next Friday but, as the doc has supplied his secretaries number, on being given the go-ahead (we hope), we can book her in so sometime in January looks on the cards. This will possibly mean some kind of hiatus from the blog but I don't suppose anyone will be too upset.
One last thing before I sign off for now. I have been asked why I haven't told my wife that I am writing this. Well, there are a number of reasons. Firstly, she would find this a gross intrusion of her privacy. My thoughts are that, as the vast majority of those reading this do not and probably will never know either of us, there is no issue. For those of you that do know me - please be aware that information passed on in this blog are never to get back to her. Secondly, if I am supposed to be 'strong' for my wife during what is likely to be a long process, I need an outlet for my worries, insecurities and downright pathetic moans. Doing it here reduces the possibility that I will do it at home. Finally, and possibly most simply, for those who ask, it is none of your business! In the nicest possible way of course :)
As I have said at the end of most of my blogs - both humorous and otherwise, Keep Loving. If you don't, you may find it is too late. I hope to post some more of my inane ramblings on other subjects soon but you may just have to put up with more of Life's Little Dramas for the time being.
Surgeon - Let me just feel the lump
Wife - The discharge papers say it's about 10cm across and looking on the web that appears to be the upper size of these things.
Surgeon - 10cm? My dear this is more the size of a melon!
Wife - I hope you mean a Honeydew and not a watermelon!
Now, if that had been said in a sit-com, I would have smiled but thought how unrealistic it was. Now I know differently.
The upshot of today is that there is a definite need to remove the offending article (no shit Sherlock) but the 'back specialists' need to confirm that it will be safe to operate before the spine is sorted. This requires an attendance at a further appointment next Friday but, as the doc has supplied his secretaries number, on being given the go-ahead (we hope), we can book her in so sometime in January looks on the cards. This will possibly mean some kind of hiatus from the blog but I don't suppose anyone will be too upset.
One last thing before I sign off for now. I have been asked why I haven't told my wife that I am writing this. Well, there are a number of reasons. Firstly, she would find this a gross intrusion of her privacy. My thoughts are that, as the vast majority of those reading this do not and probably will never know either of us, there is no issue. For those of you that do know me - please be aware that information passed on in this blog are never to get back to her. Secondly, if I am supposed to be 'strong' for my wife during what is likely to be a long process, I need an outlet for my worries, insecurities and downright pathetic moans. Doing it here reduces the possibility that I will do it at home. Finally, and possibly most simply, for those who ask, it is none of your business! In the nicest possible way of course :)
As I have said at the end of most of my blogs - both humorous and otherwise, Keep Loving. If you don't, you may find it is too late. I hope to post some more of my inane ramblings on other subjects soon but you may just have to put up with more of Life's Little Dramas for the time being.
Wednesday 7 December 2011
Life's Little Dramas Part 2
Short update on my last post.
The 'small things taking on huge significance' stage has been reached. Yesterday, my wife's computer was infected with a trojan. Sounds vaguely Carry-On but, trust me, it isn't! This virus claims to be a virus detection program and that your computer is under cyber attack. It says that many viruses have been detected and a number of your files have been lost to online hackers. It will block your own anti virus program from running and any other program that connects to the internet - unless you click on the BUY button and enter your card or bank details......Yes, it's that blatant. It is also remarkably good at hiding and, after several hours last night and this morning trying to sort it out, I will be doing the same this evening after work.
It seems this was my fault. The problem is that this is her only connection with the outside world. She won't use the phone unless absolutely necessary as it isn't free until after 7 and, as she is not working, she feels that she has to save as much as possible on household costs.
Also, the jobs that weren't done were referred to as 'I will try and do xxxx tomorrow but I may not be able to...' and several variations on that theme. Then I get miffed as I have been trying to sort out the computer and we end up bickering. All because some antisocial arsehole thinks it is clever to create these tiny programs that spread misery throughout the world. This all ended up with us being in bed in a rather unnatural silence broken only by the comment from my left 'I don't think we can make it through this as a couple...' I think we have talked through that now but what if that had happened during the stress of treatment? WTF do these people think they are? If I ever get my hands on them, I will just need a locked room and a baseball bat.
The 'small things taking on huge significance' stage has been reached. Yesterday, my wife's computer was infected with a trojan. Sounds vaguely Carry-On but, trust me, it isn't! This virus claims to be a virus detection program and that your computer is under cyber attack. It says that many viruses have been detected and a number of your files have been lost to online hackers. It will block your own anti virus program from running and any other program that connects to the internet - unless you click on the BUY button and enter your card or bank details......Yes, it's that blatant. It is also remarkably good at hiding and, after several hours last night and this morning trying to sort it out, I will be doing the same this evening after work.
It seems this was my fault. The problem is that this is her only connection with the outside world. She won't use the phone unless absolutely necessary as it isn't free until after 7 and, as she is not working, she feels that she has to save as much as possible on household costs.
Also, the jobs that weren't done were referred to as 'I will try and do xxxx tomorrow but I may not be able to...' and several variations on that theme. Then I get miffed as I have been trying to sort out the computer and we end up bickering. All because some antisocial arsehole thinks it is clever to create these tiny programs that spread misery throughout the world. This all ended up with us being in bed in a rather unnatural silence broken only by the comment from my left 'I don't think we can make it through this as a couple...' I think we have talked through that now but what if that had happened during the stress of treatment? WTF do these people think they are? If I ever get my hands on them, I will just need a locked room and a baseball bat.
Tuesday 6 December 2011
Life's Little Dramas
There is a series of adverts that suggest you plan for 'Life's Little Dramas' and I have often scoffed at them. I no longer scoff! Life's Little Dramas do happen and they can throw up some interesting observations about your own and other peoples way of dealing with 'stuff'.
I, for example, have avoided (so far) my usual descent into melancholy and reliance on distant friends sending messages of support to see me through. This, to me, is a sign that maturity may have finally caught up with me. Either that or I have caught up with it and will soon overtake it and leave it so far behind that I will become my usual gibbering wreck - only time will tell!
The reason for this? Well, having endured a bad back for several weeks and even getting an out of hours doctor to agree that it was likely to be sciatica, my wife gave in to the pain and called an ambulance. An over reaction to sciatica you might think? Well no actually. In the first instance, the pain turns out to have been caused by a broken back! Two crushed vertebrae towards the base of her spine had finally given up the unequal fight to hold in place. Now, this in itself required hospitalisation for a week and she now has to spend her waking hours in part of a Star Wars Storm Trooper outfit, however, whilst going through the multitudinous tests to understand where the pain was originating, she went into the MRI machine. Due to the location of the offending vertebrae, the scan went as low down as her pelvis. If there can be a blessing in disguise from a broken back, this was it as it showed up what was originally described as 'an abnormal mass' in her uterus. On arriving home after the news, we were reading her discharge papers from the hospital and came across the description of the 'mass'. It was described as being 10cm in diameter!!
Well, as you can imagine, this killed the conversation somewhat. It is at this point that I discovered my maturity. I also discovered the brains ability to separate your actual thoughts from those that you show outwardly. I actually managed to keep the waterworks at bay and have a very considered and reasoned discussion with my wife about the options. Of course, when I am alone, I am a complete lump of jelly but I refuse to let her know that as this is when she does need me to be strong for once.
Now is also the time that you start to hear the old cliches being rolled out - It's a battle you have to win, There is a long fight ahead etc. - What a load of crock! (and that is definitely a more polite word than I was thinking). There are a couple of options as we see them, she can have chemo or radio therapy to try and reduce the size of it or, they can operate, see if it has spread then decide on any post-operative treatment that may be required afterwards. Where is the battle? Where is the fight? It is so over dramatised that it is laughable. Now, don't get me wrong, this is not an attempt to suggest that cancer is a doddle and like getting over a cold. I know life is going to be tough over the next few months. Not for me you understand, after all, it won't be me having toxic drugs shoved through my veins or going under the knife. But she (or we if you will) are not fighting it. The drugs are trying to get rid of anything untoward but our job is to know that it will work.
I, once the treatment is underway, will probably fall to bits at home but I am determined to put on the 'brave face' both with my wife and at the office. I know perfectly well that, to everyone else, my view is positive and strong but, as I mentioned before, my brain separates what it shows from what it thinks which is just as well because internally, I am thinking of all the worst case outcomes and what I would need to do. I have to keep putting these thoughts aside before they overcome the barriers otherwise I will have no chance of giving my support.
Support is something I have been getting in abundance from my employers. Having only been at this place since February, I was not sure how they would react but, once the diagnosis was confirmed, they could not have been more supportive. This is one worry I don't have and am OK to shot off at short notice if necessary. They are all brilliant and I can't thank them enough. I know that my friends will be supportive but I think I have probably bled them enough over the last 12 months when life has had its ups and downs. I want them to know that I love them all and, just because I haven't been in touch for a while, I haven't forgotten them - just wanted them to have a rest from my whingeing.
Finally, I know this occasional blog started as an outlet for my whimsy and occasional rants but I may use it as an outlet for rants and thoughts during my wife's treatment - especially as so few people read this it is almost like having a private diary - just on line - and wondering if your mum (random people) will come into your room (blogspot) and read your most private thoughts.
Keep loving
I, for example, have avoided (so far) my usual descent into melancholy and reliance on distant friends sending messages of support to see me through. This, to me, is a sign that maturity may have finally caught up with me. Either that or I have caught up with it and will soon overtake it and leave it so far behind that I will become my usual gibbering wreck - only time will tell!
The reason for this? Well, having endured a bad back for several weeks and even getting an out of hours doctor to agree that it was likely to be sciatica, my wife gave in to the pain and called an ambulance. An over reaction to sciatica you might think? Well no actually. In the first instance, the pain turns out to have been caused by a broken back! Two crushed vertebrae towards the base of her spine had finally given up the unequal fight to hold in place. Now, this in itself required hospitalisation for a week and she now has to spend her waking hours in part of a Star Wars Storm Trooper outfit, however, whilst going through the multitudinous tests to understand where the pain was originating, she went into the MRI machine. Due to the location of the offending vertebrae, the scan went as low down as her pelvis. If there can be a blessing in disguise from a broken back, this was it as it showed up what was originally described as 'an abnormal mass' in her uterus. On arriving home after the news, we were reading her discharge papers from the hospital and came across the description of the 'mass'. It was described as being 10cm in diameter!!
Well, as you can imagine, this killed the conversation somewhat. It is at this point that I discovered my maturity. I also discovered the brains ability to separate your actual thoughts from those that you show outwardly. I actually managed to keep the waterworks at bay and have a very considered and reasoned discussion with my wife about the options. Of course, when I am alone, I am a complete lump of jelly but I refuse to let her know that as this is when she does need me to be strong for once.
Now is also the time that you start to hear the old cliches being rolled out - It's a battle you have to win, There is a long fight ahead etc. - What a load of crock! (and that is definitely a more polite word than I was thinking). There are a couple of options as we see them, she can have chemo or radio therapy to try and reduce the size of it or, they can operate, see if it has spread then decide on any post-operative treatment that may be required afterwards. Where is the battle? Where is the fight? It is so over dramatised that it is laughable. Now, don't get me wrong, this is not an attempt to suggest that cancer is a doddle and like getting over a cold. I know life is going to be tough over the next few months. Not for me you understand, after all, it won't be me having toxic drugs shoved through my veins or going under the knife. But she (or we if you will) are not fighting it. The drugs are trying to get rid of anything untoward but our job is to know that it will work.
I, once the treatment is underway, will probably fall to bits at home but I am determined to put on the 'brave face' both with my wife and at the office. I know perfectly well that, to everyone else, my view is positive and strong but, as I mentioned before, my brain separates what it shows from what it thinks which is just as well because internally, I am thinking of all the worst case outcomes and what I would need to do. I have to keep putting these thoughts aside before they overcome the barriers otherwise I will have no chance of giving my support.
Support is something I have been getting in abundance from my employers. Having only been at this place since February, I was not sure how they would react but, once the diagnosis was confirmed, they could not have been more supportive. This is one worry I don't have and am OK to shot off at short notice if necessary. They are all brilliant and I can't thank them enough. I know that my friends will be supportive but I think I have probably bled them enough over the last 12 months when life has had its ups and downs. I want them to know that I love them all and, just because I haven't been in touch for a while, I haven't forgotten them - just wanted them to have a rest from my whingeing.
Finally, I know this occasional blog started as an outlet for my whimsy and occasional rants but I may use it as an outlet for rants and thoughts during my wife's treatment - especially as so few people read this it is almost like having a private diary - just on line - and wondering if your mum (random people) will come into your room (blogspot) and read your most private thoughts.
Keep loving
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