Life's Little Dramas

There is a series of adverts that suggest you plan for 'Life's Little Dramas' and I have often scoffed at them. I no longer scoff! Life's Little Dramas do happen and they can throw up some interesting observations about your own and other peoples way of dealing with 'stuff'.

I, for example, have avoided (so far) my usual descent into melancholy and reliance on distant friends sending messages of support to see me through. This, to me, is a sign that maturity may have finally caught up with me. Either that or I have caught up with it and will soon overtake it and leave it so far behind that I will become my usual gibbering wreck - only time will tell!

The reason for this? Well, having endured a bad back for several weeks and even getting an out of hours doctor to agree that it was likely to be sciatica, my wife gave in to the pain and called an ambulance. An over reaction to sciatica you might think? Well no actually. In the first instance, the pain turns out to have been caused by a broken back! Two crushed vertebrae towards the base of her spine had finally given up the unequal fight to hold in place. Now, this in itself required hospitalisation for a week and she now has to spend her waking hours in part of a Star Wars Storm Trooper outfit, however, whilst going through the multitudinous tests to understand where the pain was originating, she went into the MRI machine. Due to the location of the offending vertebrae, the scan went as low down as her pelvis. If there can be a blessing in disguise from a broken back, this was it as it showed up what was originally described as 'an abnormal mass' in her uterus. On arriving home after the news, we were reading her discharge papers from the hospital and came across the description of the 'mass'. It was described as being 10cm in diameter!!

Well, as you can imagine, this killed the conversation somewhat. It is at this point that I discovered my maturity. I also discovered the brains ability to separate your actual thoughts from those that you show outwardly. I actually managed to keep the waterworks at bay and have a very considered and reasoned discussion with my wife about the options. Of course, when I am alone, I am a complete lump of jelly but I refuse to let her know that as this is when she does need me to be strong for once.

Now is also the time that you start to hear the old cliches being rolled out - It's a battle you have to win, There is a long fight ahead etc. - What a load of crock! (and that is definitely a more polite word than I was thinking). There are a couple of options as we see them, she can have chemo or radio therapy to try and reduce the size of it or, they can operate, see if it has spread then decide on any post-operative treatment that may be required afterwards. Where is the battle? Where is the fight? It is so over dramatised that it is laughable. Now, don't get me wrong, this is not an attempt to suggest that cancer is a doddle and like getting over a cold. I know life is going to be tough over the next few months. Not for me you understand, after all, it won't be me having toxic drugs shoved through my veins or going under the knife. But she (or we if you will) are not fighting it. The drugs are trying to get rid of anything untoward but our job is to know that it will work.

I, once the treatment is underway, will probably fall to bits at home but I am determined to put on the 'brave face' both with my wife and at the office. I know perfectly well that, to everyone else, my view is positive and strong but, as I mentioned before, my brain separates what it shows from what it thinks which is just as well because internally, I am thinking of all the worst case outcomes and what I would need to do. I have to keep putting these thoughts aside before they overcome the barriers otherwise I will have no chance of giving my support.

Support is something I have been getting in abundance from my employers. Having only been at this place since February, I was not sure how they would react but, once the diagnosis was confirmed, they could not have been more supportive. This is one worry I don't have and am OK to shot off at short notice if necessary. They are all brilliant and I can't thank them enough. I know that my friends will be supportive but I think I have probably bled them enough over the last 12 months when life has had its ups and downs. I want them to know that I love them all and, just because I haven't been in touch for a while, I haven't forgotten them - just wanted them to have a rest from my whingeing.

Finally, I know this occasional blog started as an outlet for my whimsy and occasional rants but I may use it as an outlet for rants and thoughts during my wife's treatment - especially as so few people read this it is almost like having a private diary - just on line - and wondering if your mum (random people) will come into your room (blogspot) and read your most private thoughts.

Keep loving