Tomorrow is my birthday. Before you all respond in your thousands with birthday wishes, I would like to say that I am not sure I want to be celebrating.
A curious feeling has come over me as I approach what will be the 45th anniversary of my birth. For (as far as I can remember) every prior birthday, I have looked forward to it with very nearly the same excitment as I did as soon as I was old enough to understand what it was about. Sometimes I have been disappoined, sometimes overwhelmed and others have just been another day but I have still felt that tingling anticipation associated with what may drop through the letterbox or what gourmet delight I may consume either on the day or at the most convenient weekend after.
This year, however, I find myself dreading it. I am not 100% sure why this may be. After all, those of you that have read my musings will know that we have come through a worrying time and things are looking up. I have my health (although I know thta I have to get fitter). I have no money worries and I have a job that I love. But still, there is a deep gloom that seems to envelop me whenever I think of the 'big day'.
The only thing that I can think of to explain my malais is a sudden (and I do mean sudden) realisation of my own mortality. In my head, I am still in my twenties. I have a games console that I could not afford when I was that young and still play on it when I can. I like purile humour and comedy programs. I love Blackadder. The trouble is, when I look in the mirror (or more importantly, when I see photos of me) I see a middle aged, overweight, greying old git looking back. I have more hair than many of my peers and have far less grey than many but I am still not the same on the outside as I am on the inside. I am supposed to act the age that I feel inside but the body is no longer willing.
The stupidest part of this is, it is highly likely that, once the day is over, the cards opened, then the drink is consumed over the weekend, I will feel absolutely fine again until this time next year. At least, that is what I am hoping. Either that or I am turning into just the type of miserable git that I have always hated! The irony is not lost on me.
Keep loving
To me you always have been and always will be gorgeous. Happy Birthday to my best friend in the world. Love ya big guy. xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteD - I know exactly how you feel. Like you, I turn 47 tomorrow (you still haven't caught me up - funny - I thought you might after 30 years!!!!)I am finding the impending arrival of 'tomorrow' painfully depressing filling me with an overwhelming sense of melancholy and sadness. So many reasons.
ReplyDeleteAnyway You are a great guy - you always have been and whilst you may be approaching 'grumpy old man' age.....believe me.....you won't be as bad as a certain husband I could mention!! LOL I am sure we will both feel so much better once 'the day' has passed.
Lots of love and Divine Birthday Blessings to you for tomorrow, Dear Friend. Try and have a good day.....and if you can't quite manage it and are consumed with all the strangeness you describe above....then just go with. At our age we can 'celebrate' however we grumpily want to!!! xxxx